When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
