Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
