they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
