you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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