The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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