I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
