my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Sober January is a disaster.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You ruined the universe
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
