sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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