I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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