Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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