i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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