Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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