Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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