she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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