Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
