what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
