I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
