I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize