I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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