I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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