My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
