It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
