If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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