Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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