what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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