I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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