Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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