Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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