Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
