When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A bitchslap is in order.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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