Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
