Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
