If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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