I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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