I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
