He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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