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She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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