Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
