Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
