I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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