I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
