i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
