saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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