My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
