if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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