HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
