Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
