Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
