1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
