i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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